Time is a thief

 Hello again, I can not believe my last post was early 2022, crazy!  Time got away from me again... Man how life has changed in the past year and a half.  Last livestock shows, graduation, college, both babies driving and so on...

So many times, I wanted to jump on here and poor out my feelings on the whole last year of happenings, but obviously didn't, kept getting in my head and that's a scary place to be sometimes.  Rewind a bit to the beginning of this year (because time really does not let us rewind like a VHS).   Last livestock shows for our not so baby, baby girl.  She stepped out of the box and participated in the Queens contest for the stockshow.  She was stressed to the max & literally wanted to quit the night before the big show, night of rehearsal while she was rehearsing.  The night of the contest, she sure was glad she didn't quit!  Not only did she have a blast and learn what she can do and how far she can go with this experience, she was named 4th runner up!  Like what, this girl that wanted to quit, won 4th runner up!  It was such an amazing experience for her and hearing her name called was so surreal.  She did amazing on each show she did and finally got her buckles! She won the show for her division & got Reserved Champion on showmanship!  Definitely a fabulous, unexpected win!  Her goals were met, and she was ecstatic.  You always want your kids to do their absolute best and I cannot say that she didn't!   We went on to do San Antonio and Houston stockshows.  Talk about an epic time at each show!  Didn't do as well as we would have liked, but she had fun for her last year!

Next we had senior prom!  She was absolutely stunning in her pink dress and had a blast.  That was literally all I wanted, for her to just have a blast at her last high school dance.  Graduation came fast and went just as quickly.  Our baby girl walked that stage like a pro.  I did not cry nearly as much as I thought I would even though I know I will have my moments of tearing up knowing she is a high school graduate.  Just like that, she turned 18, an adult!  How did that happen?!  We got lucky and she is staying home for college as she goes to Del Mar for nursing!  I am personally happy for this, I worry enough about her without her heading out of town for college.  

Maverick had a pretty good year at the stockshow, he got 4th place with his goat.  He also turned 16 and started driving!  How in the world did this happen?!  Time just keeps flying by and it's not fair.  We hardly see him since he began driving.  

I am so proud of my of my kids (there I go tearing up)...

...it gets away from us

 How does life just get away from us so easily?  It's crazy how one minute your babies are learning to crawl, talk and feed themselves, and then you've got one about to be a senior and one going to be a freshman in high school!  I don't know how this happened.  I've been robbed of time!  I prayed for years to be a mom, that's literally all I wanted in life.  Now they're fixing to not need me so much and I'm not ok with that.  I know they'll always need something, but it's not like when they're staring up at you from the crib with that big toothless grin, waiting for you to pick them up.  It's helping them get their license or helping them with homework you have no idea how to do; but you try because in that moment, you need to be sitting across from them trying to act like you know what you're doing, just so they can need you.  You needed that moment more than they know.  It's needing to give them a bit more freedom whether you want to or not.  It's letting them get a job and figure that stuff out.  It's the dicision making you can't completely a part of.

   Don't get me wrong, I love seeing them all grown and doing things for themselves, but I miss not being needed as much, as do most mothers.  Last night my daughter was going to the gym with a friend and asked me to go.  I was having a pity party for one and said nope, even though I was dressed for the gym.  When I changed my mind she was beaming, it's the small things.  I love the times my son comes to say good night, I always get a hug (still at 14).  I know we are raising humans that will at some point function in society, no matter how broken it is, so I have to remember they're gonna be adults sooner than later.  Isn't that wild, to think of our babies as adults?  I know our parents thought the exact same way, it's just a vicious cycle of the generations.  My daughter will be a legal adult in a year and a month! I feel like I've missed so much but seen so much at the same time.  The memories are fading which absolutely kills me.  Thank God I have a zillion photos, because ultimately that's what's left when we can't remember everything.

        I try to think back to when I was this age, this almost adult age, it was so long ago.   The song "Don't blink" ~ Kenny Chesney, comes to mind.  I feel like I blinked as a 17 year old grad and now I'm....well older than 17.  Robbed, I tell you, robbed of time!  What were you doing as a 17 year old?  Such different times, my kids are definitely not doing what we were doing, how do I know you ask, because they are always hanging out with us and our famfriends, literally and they enjoy it!  I know what you're thinking...  but we actually do know what they're doing most of the time (life 360 is my bestie, so I know where they are), they love hanging out with our famfriends.  If you don't have famfriends, get you some! 

  Our famfriends (saw this in a book and fell in love with the word) are the people that will love your babies almost as much as you, they'll be there for them in the time you can't be!  They are the people your kids know they can turn to, because they think and protect most like you. These are the people you trust with your most prized.  They are your friends but way more than just that, we have gotten lucky in the department.  Our kids have 2 biological parents and a "village" behind them! These people are always there and you know you can always rely on them.  They'll be there for you and your kids in a second without thinking twice.  I used to be super scared letting the kids go but knowing that we have these people behind us, I know for sure they're taken care of.  They're the adopted dads and moms to our babies and we would do the same for their babies.  It has taken a while for certain family to understand this concept but I think they get it, and if they don't, I'm sorry.  Growing up I had family always there.  My kids have more and we are blessed beyond measure with them.

 It took me a while, actually still trying to accept it, that I can't do everything for them!  Our village and our family have been our saving grace at times!  Am I jealous that they got to do what I should've been able to do, hell yeah I am, but I have to let that go.  I'm still working on that part.  When I started in the medical field, I didn't realize how much family time I'd be giving up and that was the hardest part!  When I would miss a teacher meeting, or a game, I felt crushed.  There was always someone there to cheer them on or stand in my place but that's just it, it was my place.  That was and still is hard to swallow, but at least they had someone there.  While we do our best to always be there for them, it's impossible with two working parents, to be everywhere.

Time just slips away, you do not get that back!  So relish in all of the memories, learn from the mistakes because there's no time to keep making the same ones.  I still can't believe that at this moment next year, we will be getting ready for our baby girl to end her high school life and walk that stage into the next phase of her life, our baby boy will be getting closer to his next phase as well.  This next year will be flying by I'm sure of it.  I will relish the hugs and the sweet moments we spend together, because those moments will be fewer and fewer....

Life as I know it....just gets away from us! 

My new door...

 Well, it's been 90 plus days since I began my new chapter! I only know that because of an email, I don't do a countdown or anything. I'm gonna be real, when I started my adventure in Labor and Delivery I thought it was gonna be smooth and I would love it right off the bat.  Let me tell you that was not the case.  Changing jobs can be so daunting, but when it's medicine, surgery to be exact, it changes you as a person.  There wasn't a day I wasn't looking for another job, telling myself this one was temporary.  It is so rough being the new person, in a new environment, a new specialty with all of these new to you people.  Working with surgeons is a rough job in itself, toss in learning a brand new to you specialty puts you over the edge.  I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to quit everyday I worked.  I cried everyday I worked, I was reluctant to go back when I was off.  I just couldn't catch on in this surgery setting.  My preceptors were great, so supportive and pushed me because without knowing me, they knew I could do it.  Why didn't I know it?  Why didn't I have any kind of faith in myself?  That stupid voice in my head was winning and I was ready to give up.  There were so many things I had to learn and I still haven't learned it all.  I probably texted Mark, my mom and sister way too many times throughout the day telling them I couldn't do this.  I was failing miserably, at least that's how I felt.  They would text me in return, telling me yes I can do it and that I know what I was doing, I just had to have faith in myself.  My favorite was when my super supportive hubby would tell me to "man up and do it, you got this".  I eventually will feel this super confidence, however in the meantime....

 People say "oh you get to see those babies be born, how awesome", let me tell you how stressful it is to be in that delivery knowing that at any minute something could go south.  In your mind you're planning on being "ready" for the worst but pray for the best.  I cried so many times ( not embarrassed to admit).  I let the stress of the newness get to me.  When I got off orientation, I went back to my boss and asked to extend orientation, because I was going to get it, I was going to catch on.  It helped!  A nurse that I really didn't think cared for me too much, told me during a surgery, "I need to tell you something after the case".  I immediately thought, "shit what did I do" and I guess she saw that on my face and told me it was nothing bad.  After the case she did just that, approached me and said " I just wanted to tell you that I've seen you grow, you seem more at ease in here now and you seem to feel more comfortable".  I had an I'm shocked moment and quickly thanked her for noticing, talk about a confidence booster.  So thank you again to that nurse, that made a huge difference.  It's one thing to hear your boss say that docs have told her I am doing better but to actually hear it from the source is amazing.  I have heard it from a couple docs non chalantly, but I didn't feel it.  I'm slowly getting that confidence I should.  I'm a damn good tech, I just need to find myself in this specialty.  It's a huge difference from a 2 hour total joint replacement or a 3 hour nasal endoscopy.  A c-section is super quick.

    People will try to break you down, that's their plan.  Why, because people can be assholes, bottom line.  They don't know you and sometimes do not want to even get to know you.  Doctors are like this, especially some surgeons, and I totally get it.  That patients life is in their hands, that's stressful enough and now they're working with this new assistant they know nothing about.  I get it, because I'm in the same boat, trying to learn their moves and techniques, trying to stay one step ahead of them.  You see as a surgical assist, you have to be in that surgeons head and think faster and know the next step before they ask for anything.  I'm still struggling with this but I'm not giving up either.  I'm a damn good surgical tech and I'm not going to let a doctor knock me down anymore.  I may never earn their confidence or approval but I'm there for that patient not to please the doc.  That's just one doc, there's just that one nurse, that one person that wants to knock you down as a hobby.  I do my job and leave it at work as much as I can.  Working three days a week is something to get used to but I live for those days I'm off and can see my kids off to school and be home when they get home.  

    This OR is such a different atmosphere than I am accustomed to.    

    There is not a day I don't miss my old job.  The one where I learned everything I know. The one where all of my skills were challenged daily. I miss doing total knee replacements and total hip replacements.  Never thought I would miss Ortho as much as I do.  I miss my favorite docs.  I saw one of them out and about with his family and he immediately told me to come back... Don't I wish I could!  I however do not miss working everyday , long hours everyday.  I miss my weekends off and holidays off though.  I had to trade alot of stuff for this new job but I'm sure the big guy upstairs has a plan for me and why he lead me to L&D.  I pray the plan is shown to me soon, lol.  

    In the meantime, while I'm trying to figure this plan out, I am just going to keep on learning and trying to get my confidence up.  I can tell others to do just this until I'm blue in the face, but it's harder for me to follow my own words.  I am sure anyone entering into a new atmosphere is hesitant and terrified, but don't give up, no matter how hard it is, there is a reason you're in that path.  Be consistent and persistent.  You'll figure it out and laugh at how scared you were in the beginning.  

Life as I know it...is full of learning every day because you never know it all 

    

Life as I know it....is too short

 I stopped blogging for a while...

 Man has so much happened since November 8 of last year.  I started a new job and that has been tough.  I hate being the new person in a position that no one leaves, especially in the medical field.  Living in a small town and a small medical community, everyone knows everyone and their business.  I don't socialize for just that reason!  I struggle daily with this new position but it is quite a difference from doing total joint replacements, cataracts, tonsils and some hernia repairs.  I also do not work in a surgical center where all surgeries are elective.  I work in a hospital and everything is different.  So much to get used to.  I'm surviving!

Let me tell you how short life is... 

     A few days into my new job we lost my father in law.  Do you know what it's like to lose an in law that actually loved you?  If you know my backstory with in laws then you know what I'm talking about.  This loss hit me and it hit me harder than I ever expected it to.  I still have a rough time with it.  It was hard to be strong for everyone and take care of everything.  When it's unexpected, it is definitely a harder loss.  I still don't know how to approach the subject with certain people.  It is such a hard subject.  He has given me little signs he's still around and that seriously is comforting and insane at the same time.  You really don't know how much longer you have with someone.  We fully expected him to be lugging his lawn mower around and drinking his sweet tea for at least 20 more years.  There is definitely a hole in the family.  As I was planning the funeral, I had many breakdowns because with planning the funeral is the slideshow of his life.  Do you know I couldn't even find 70 photos to fill his slideshow?  I'm pissed at him for never wanting to take pictures.  After all memories and photos are all you have when they leave this earth.  TAKE THE DAMN PICTURES!  As I write this I think "geeze what are people gonna think about me writing this so selfishly", as if I was the only one that lost him.  I know I'm not!  

I stopped blogging because I all of sudden cared what everyone thought about my words, thoughts.  I lost who I was.  I was worried what people were saying about what I was writing...in MY blog... I lost me!  I used to not care, I never thought about what others said about me.  I teach my kids to not care about what others think and here I am...

This took me awhile to write.  I started on March 9th and here we are the end of March and I am not sure I want to even post it.  

We get so busy and caught up in life and lose who we are.  I am a mother first and foremost, a wife, daughter and sister.  But ask me who I am as a person and I can not tell you at all.  Ask me what I like to do and outside of doing family stuff I have no clue!  That's just insane to me.  I don't have personal hobbies, I don't do anything without the kids or my husband.  I used to...I just don't feel like doing much of anything these days.  Then the guilt of "not living" on my days off gets to me.  It's a vicious cycle for sure.  Life is so short, we should live it fully everyday and here I am binge watching netflix on the couch on my days off.  

Life as I know it is just short as hell.....

     

Closed a door...

 Today I closed a door, a chapter.  I said good bye to my first medical professional job after 6.5 years.  I pulled my last total knee case, I clocked out for the last time and turned in my badge.  I walked through the door as an employee for the last time.  When I was cleaning out my locker I found my orientation folder, August 2015.  I learned so much from so many people and for that & them, I am grateful.  I made many friends and will forever think about those smart a$$ comments and conversations we shared.  The many late night surgeries, many meals we sat down to.  The " I love you but I do not wanna see you again tonight" ritual sayings before we would leave on call day. So many laughs and tears.  

With all of my health issues going on right now, I felt it best to close this door to give me time to figure some of it out.  I have a few more appointments to tackle and some game plans in store.  I thought I would be stressed to the max over this decision but I was at peace with it.  I'm not saying it's not gonna be tough for the next few weeks with only one income, but I am not worried.  God has lined up so much for us in the past few months that this doesn't seem like a loss to me, it's a gain in the right direction.  

My mental health has been suffering for some time and for once in many years I feel ok for this next step.  The next few weeks I'll focus on me...Me getting better, me getting right with myself and me feeling better for my family.  I am positive that God would not have steered me down this path if he didn't think I could handle it.  It's crazy how things have just fallen into place, how could I not be optimistic!  I prayed hard and every time I did, something would be right there in my face telling me which path to take.  You know that saying "I looked up at God and said I knew that was you, thank you", I have had that realization alot lately.  I just sit back and Thank God for showing me and pushing me to go down each correct path.  I really thought I would be terrified to take this step, but I am not, not at all!  Everything will work out and we are going to be fine.  I am going to be fine!  

I know I may have disappointed some people, but I can't make everyone happy, I'm not a taco! (If we worked together you know this reference).  Some people are put into our lives to help us up, some are put there to break us and show us what we are made of.  I've met both of those in this journey of medicine and this is me doing me now.  I know all jobs have bad seeds and I get that, I do, but there's a cycle that I needed to break and that was thinking I was not good enough for certain people.  So it's on to new people, a new start, a new cycle!  I can't talk about my new start quite yet but believe me when I say dreams come true!  This next chapter has been my dream since I was a little girl and I can not wait for it.  

...one door closed so one could open...

stepping out of my comfort

  So I'm gonna start out this blog by saying I am an introvert. I don't do many things alone and I especially do not go out of town on my own and go explore!  I know, I know, "you're 40 and don't do what?!!"  Yeah that's me, my anxiety is sky high so I would rather stay home and watch Hallmark than leave the house. Today I had a Dr appt in Victoria.... and I went alone! All alone and I am OK!  My mom said she'd go but I never gave her full details.  My husband kept saying he would go with me but I wouldn't let him. He is taking our son out of town for his birthday trip mudding and I wasn't gonna let anything mess it up. So I ventured out alone.  This is big for me in so many ways. I'm sure it's nothing for most, but for me it was a huge leap. Sounds dumb I'm sure 🙄.  After my appt I googled some boutiques and told myself "you're going to check these places out".  So glad I did, they were so cute and I even kept a full ongoing conversation with one of the owners of one. Found out I knew cousins of one of the other owners, she used to live in Corpus and her cousins still do.  When I finally finished my shopping I was famished so I Googled a Cafe.  I got sent to this super adorable little old house turned Cafe, "Yummy Finds".  If you've never been, oh my gosh it's so good. I would usually get a chicken salad on croissant because that's my fave and my norm. Not this time though, I stepped out of my comfort zone and got a Rosemary ham pannini.   It was so good!! I sat and ate lunch by myself. I don't normally do this, I would usually just pick it up and take it home. This time I did not do that, I couldn't it was a little bit of a drive to get home.  

  I know this may sound very miniscule to some, probably to most but for me this was huge.  I do go shopping on my own sometimes don't think I don't, but the thing that was different here is that I was not in town, I was not with someone out of town.  It's ok for you to think what you want but for me I was proud that I could step out of my comfort and do this....alone! 

Stepping out of my comfort 

the aches and pains....

 In the past few years I've developed aches and pains.  Who hasn't right?  It comes with getting old...  I would just shrug them off as just that " getting old", pop a pain pill and go on about my day.  Not the healthiest way about it, but the easiest.

 At the end of August I was at work, doing my thing and I started getting what I thought was just a little hypoglycemic.  I was dizzy, sweaty, pulse racing, nauseous...It wasn't something new for me to get that way early in the morning when I was getting ready for my surgeries for the day. It was early and I didn't eat a whole lot. Then all at once I just about fainted while scrubbed in for a case.  If you know anything about surgery, staying sterile for the patients safety and health is basically the main goal.  If you are about to pass out, while staying sterile you gotta know that's not possible.  My partner for the day came in and relived me so I could address my weakness.  At least that's what I saw it as at the time, a weakness.  I am not the kind that will ask for help right away, I'm gonna do what I can to get the job done first, then maybe ask.  Any who, I got out of the OR and drank some cold water, tried to cool off before I needed to get back at it.  Luckily my partner tech ran that case so I could assist and not be stressed out as much.  I started to panic a little when the feeling of passing out did not go away.  Lunch time came and I took the first lunch so I could get some food in me.  During lunch I was texting my mom and sis about my symptoms and experience that morning.  They both immediately thought I had the C word.  I shook it off as them being super paranoid but then went to my boss and told her about it.  She sent me immediately to my locker and then to be tested.  Which in turn meant I was gonna be out of work until the test came back.

  That started the downward spiral to my health hell !!!!

My test came back negative, as I figured it would.  I took the weekend to try and get better but my body wasn't having it.  I was dizzier than the day it started, more nauseous and my zofran was not helping, headache from it all and a couple more symptoms that I'll spare you the details on.  Nothing I did helped at all.  I called into work Monday morning, which I never did unless it was bad, and this was bad.  I made an appt with my new doctor to get to the bottom of this.  I was miserable all weekend, I tried to do things and it made it worse.  Come Monday, I get the kids lunches ready and went back to bed until I had to get up to go to the doctor.  I had just recently switched doctors and so far so good.

The new doctor I found is amazing!  Deeply cares about his patients and it shows.  So I get to the dr and he suggests some tests and scans.  I have never had a doctor work this fast for me, ever!  That day I had bloodwork ordered and done, A CT scan ordered and done, all in the same day!  I also got doctors orders to not return to work until the test results came back and I was on meds for at least 2 weeks.  I was amazed at how fast this all got going.  The next day we had a diagnosis for part of my problem.  I was diagnosed with Diverticulitis of my transverse colon, Left Inguinal Hernia and Left kidney stones and renal cysts.  Yes folks, nothing small for me!  I go big or don't go at all.  Being a surgical tech (I asssit surgeons in surgery, if you didn't know) I knew what this meant, surgery was in my future, just not sure when.  My dr was sure we could treat the diverticulitis for the time being so we started to do so.  The kidney thing would be watched and the hernia, well that will get fixed some day.  A couple days pass and I am ordered to go get bloodwork done again.  This is when the icing on the cake slipped off, so to speak.  Getting out of my car to go into the lab, my stomach hurt so bad that I tried to overcompensate and drum roll please......hurt my back!  Hurt my back so bad that it just about made me fall down in the parking lot.  My back issues aren't new at all.  I've had back issues for 22 years, but every now and then I do it BIG and this day was the day!  I hobbled into the lab, got the blood drawn again and then made it home.  I landed on the couch for the rest of the day.  Ya'll this one was a bad one.  When it was time for bed, I, in a 90 degree angle, hobbled into my room.  The pain this time was excrutiating.  The next day I made another dr appt in which he got me in stat for an x-ray to see what I had done to my back.  I was then diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease (DDD).  Oh yeah pain forever!  I've been diagnosed with this before in my neck, now it's lower.  I always wondered why my hips were on fire everyday and my toes are numb.  Silly me, the discs in my lower back are just letting my vertebrae pinch the hell out of my nerves is all.  This time it took me out for a good week and a half.  Now before you go and ask or accuse me of not doing anything about the pain, I did.  I saw my chiropractor, started laser light therapy and stretched on the daily, also used a TENS machine a friend lent me.  I also just bought myself more time out of work to get better.  With my job, I am on my feet for many hours a day and being on my feet in the situation I was in did not benefit me at all.  So I went on FMLA and Short Term Disability so I could focus on me.  In the medical field you go so long without taking care of yourself because your job is to take care of your patients.  This was me, I hadn't been to the doctor in a hot minute, so everything caught up to me and God said to Chill and take it easy.  So I did, for 6 weeks, I rested daily.  

When I finally got the all clear to go back, the issues came back.  The stomach pain and back pain hit me hard everyday.  I just took more pain meds and dealt with it, like I had been doing for years.  It was getting to the point that doing my job was not beneficial to anyone.  My doctor cut back my hours at work and I went back on FMLA with less working hours.  which is where I am at right now.  I am dealing with the pain from my health but also dealing with mental depletion from being down and out because of this.  I have appointments lined up to get more testing and figure out my next steps.  The DDD I will have to just live with forever.  I will not have back surgery because it is not beneficial to me.  I am scared how much worse it will get.  I am scared to move certain ways but I can't stop life.

I didn't go into complete detail, but I will say this, Take care of YOU!  No job is worth your health, you are replaceable to them but your body is not replaceable to your family!  If time off is what you have to do to figure it all out, then do it!  My HR lady helped me so much in this area with work, so props to her. Is it scary, hell to yeah it is.  Ask for help (I'm working on this one, it's a hard one for me).  It's been risky financially but what good am I if I'm completely not able to function.  

Mentally it's been the worst! Absolute worst! , The depression sinks in and you don't want to function, 1. for fear of the pain, 2. because no one understands, you feel alone and to blame for all that is going wrong right now, in this moment.   No one understands because I do have a great life, a great husband and fabulous kids!  We have the things and the stuff, but my health is in limbo, my pain tolerance is good on most days, but there are days that I need to just not do ...

 Take care of you because in the end all you have is YOU!