...it gets away from us

 How does life just get away from us so easily?  It's crazy how one minute your babies are learning to crawl, talk and feed themselves, and then you've got one about to be a senior and one going to be a freshman in high school!  I don't know how this happened.  I've been robbed of time!  I prayed for years to be a mom, that's literally all I wanted in life.  Now they're fixing to not need me so much and I'm not ok with that.  I know they'll always need something, but it's not like when they're staring up at you from the crib with that big toothless grin, waiting for you to pick them up.  It's helping them get their license or helping them with homework you have no idea how to do; but you try because in that moment, you need to be sitting across from them trying to act like you know what you're doing, just so they can need you.  You needed that moment more than they know.  It's needing to give them a bit more freedom whether you want to or not.  It's letting them get a job and figure that stuff out.  It's the dicision making you can't completely a part of.

   Don't get me wrong, I love seeing them all grown and doing things for themselves, but I miss not being needed as much, as do most mothers.  Last night my daughter was going to the gym with a friend and asked me to go.  I was having a pity party for one and said nope, even though I was dressed for the gym.  When I changed my mind she was beaming, it's the small things.  I love the times my son comes to say good night, I always get a hug (still at 14).  I know we are raising humans that will at some point function in society, no matter how broken it is, so I have to remember they're gonna be adults sooner than later.  Isn't that wild, to think of our babies as adults?  I know our parents thought the exact same way, it's just a vicious cycle of the generations.  My daughter will be a legal adult in a year and a month! I feel like I've missed so much but seen so much at the same time.  The memories are fading which absolutely kills me.  Thank God I have a zillion photos, because ultimately that's what's left when we can't remember everything.

        I try to think back to when I was this age, this almost adult age, it was so long ago.   The song "Don't blink" ~ Kenny Chesney, comes to mind.  I feel like I blinked as a 17 year old grad and now I'm....well older than 17.  Robbed, I tell you, robbed of time!  What were you doing as a 17 year old?  Such different times, my kids are definitely not doing what we were doing, how do I know you ask, because they are always hanging out with us and our famfriends, literally and they enjoy it!  I know what you're thinking...  but we actually do know what they're doing most of the time (life 360 is my bestie, so I know where they are), they love hanging out with our famfriends.  If you don't have famfriends, get you some! 

  Our famfriends (saw this in a book and fell in love with the word) are the people that will love your babies almost as much as you, they'll be there for them in the time you can't be!  They are the people your kids know they can turn to, because they think and protect most like you. These are the people you trust with your most prized.  They are your friends but way more than just that, we have gotten lucky in the department.  Our kids have 2 biological parents and a "village" behind them! These people are always there and you know you can always rely on them.  They'll be there for you and your kids in a second without thinking twice.  I used to be super scared letting the kids go but knowing that we have these people behind us, I know for sure they're taken care of.  They're the adopted dads and moms to our babies and we would do the same for their babies.  It has taken a while for certain family to understand this concept but I think they get it, and if they don't, I'm sorry.  Growing up I had family always there.  My kids have more and we are blessed beyond measure with them.

 It took me a while, actually still trying to accept it, that I can't do everything for them!  Our village and our family have been our saving grace at times!  Am I jealous that they got to do what I should've been able to do, hell yeah I am, but I have to let that go.  I'm still working on that part.  When I started in the medical field, I didn't realize how much family time I'd be giving up and that was the hardest part!  When I would miss a teacher meeting, or a game, I felt crushed.  There was always someone there to cheer them on or stand in my place but that's just it, it was my place.  That was and still is hard to swallow, but at least they had someone there.  While we do our best to always be there for them, it's impossible with two working parents, to be everywhere.

Time just slips away, you do not get that back!  So relish in all of the memories, learn from the mistakes because there's no time to keep making the same ones.  I still can't believe that at this moment next year, we will be getting ready for our baby girl to end her high school life and walk that stage into the next phase of her life, our baby boy will be getting closer to his next phase as well.  This next year will be flying by I'm sure of it.  I will relish the hugs and the sweet moments we spend together, because those moments will be fewer and fewer....

Life as I know it....just gets away from us! 

My new door...

 Well, it's been 90 plus days since I began my new chapter! I only know that because of an email, I don't do a countdown or anything. I'm gonna be real, when I started my adventure in Labor and Delivery I thought it was gonna be smooth and I would love it right off the bat.  Let me tell you that was not the case.  Changing jobs can be so daunting, but when it's medicine, surgery to be exact, it changes you as a person.  There wasn't a day I wasn't looking for another job, telling myself this one was temporary.  It is so rough being the new person, in a new environment, a new specialty with all of these new to you people.  Working with surgeons is a rough job in itself, toss in learning a brand new to you specialty puts you over the edge.  I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to quit everyday I worked.  I cried everyday I worked, I was reluctant to go back when I was off.  I just couldn't catch on in this surgery setting.  My preceptors were great, so supportive and pushed me because without knowing me, they knew I could do it.  Why didn't I know it?  Why didn't I have any kind of faith in myself?  That stupid voice in my head was winning and I was ready to give up.  There were so many things I had to learn and I still haven't learned it all.  I probably texted Mark, my mom and sister way too many times throughout the day telling them I couldn't do this.  I was failing miserably, at least that's how I felt.  They would text me in return, telling me yes I can do it and that I know what I was doing, I just had to have faith in myself.  My favorite was when my super supportive hubby would tell me to "man up and do it, you got this".  I eventually will feel this super confidence, however in the meantime....

 People say "oh you get to see those babies be born, how awesome", let me tell you how stressful it is to be in that delivery knowing that at any minute something could go south.  In your mind you're planning on being "ready" for the worst but pray for the best.  I cried so many times ( not embarrassed to admit).  I let the stress of the newness get to me.  When I got off orientation, I went back to my boss and asked to extend orientation, because I was going to get it, I was going to catch on.  It helped!  A nurse that I really didn't think cared for me too much, told me during a surgery, "I need to tell you something after the case".  I immediately thought, "shit what did I do" and I guess she saw that on my face and told me it was nothing bad.  After the case she did just that, approached me and said " I just wanted to tell you that I've seen you grow, you seem more at ease in here now and you seem to feel more comfortable".  I had an I'm shocked moment and quickly thanked her for noticing, talk about a confidence booster.  So thank you again to that nurse, that made a huge difference.  It's one thing to hear your boss say that docs have told her I am doing better but to actually hear it from the source is amazing.  I have heard it from a couple docs non chalantly, but I didn't feel it.  I'm slowly getting that confidence I should.  I'm a damn good tech, I just need to find myself in this specialty.  It's a huge difference from a 2 hour total joint replacement or a 3 hour nasal endoscopy.  A c-section is super quick.

    People will try to break you down, that's their plan.  Why, because people can be assholes, bottom line.  They don't know you and sometimes do not want to even get to know you.  Doctors are like this, especially some surgeons, and I totally get it.  That patients life is in their hands, that's stressful enough and now they're working with this new assistant they know nothing about.  I get it, because I'm in the same boat, trying to learn their moves and techniques, trying to stay one step ahead of them.  You see as a surgical assist, you have to be in that surgeons head and think faster and know the next step before they ask for anything.  I'm still struggling with this but I'm not giving up either.  I'm a damn good surgical tech and I'm not going to let a doctor knock me down anymore.  I may never earn their confidence or approval but I'm there for that patient not to please the doc.  That's just one doc, there's just that one nurse, that one person that wants to knock you down as a hobby.  I do my job and leave it at work as much as I can.  Working three days a week is something to get used to but I live for those days I'm off and can see my kids off to school and be home when they get home.  

    This OR is such a different atmosphere than I am accustomed to.    

    There is not a day I don't miss my old job.  The one where I learned everything I know. The one where all of my skills were challenged daily. I miss doing total knee replacements and total hip replacements.  Never thought I would miss Ortho as much as I do.  I miss my favorite docs.  I saw one of them out and about with his family and he immediately told me to come back... Don't I wish I could!  I however do not miss working everyday , long hours everyday.  I miss my weekends off and holidays off though.  I had to trade alot of stuff for this new job but I'm sure the big guy upstairs has a plan for me and why he lead me to L&D.  I pray the plan is shown to me soon, lol.  

    In the meantime, while I'm trying to figure this plan out, I am just going to keep on learning and trying to get my confidence up.  I can tell others to do just this until I'm blue in the face, but it's harder for me to follow my own words.  I am sure anyone entering into a new atmosphere is hesitant and terrified, but don't give up, no matter how hard it is, there is a reason you're in that path.  Be consistent and persistent.  You'll figure it out and laugh at how scared you were in the beginning.  

Life as I know it...is full of learning every day because you never know it all 

    

Life as I know it....is too short

 I stopped blogging for a while...

 Man has so much happened since November 8 of last year.  I started a new job and that has been tough.  I hate being the new person in a position that no one leaves, especially in the medical field.  Living in a small town and a small medical community, everyone knows everyone and their business.  I don't socialize for just that reason!  I struggle daily with this new position but it is quite a difference from doing total joint replacements, cataracts, tonsils and some hernia repairs.  I also do not work in a surgical center where all surgeries are elective.  I work in a hospital and everything is different.  So much to get used to.  I'm surviving!

Let me tell you how short life is... 

     A few days into my new job we lost my father in law.  Do you know what it's like to lose an in law that actually loved you?  If you know my backstory with in laws then you know what I'm talking about.  This loss hit me and it hit me harder than I ever expected it to.  I still have a rough time with it.  It was hard to be strong for everyone and take care of everything.  When it's unexpected, it is definitely a harder loss.  I still don't know how to approach the subject with certain people.  It is such a hard subject.  He has given me little signs he's still around and that seriously is comforting and insane at the same time.  You really don't know how much longer you have with someone.  We fully expected him to be lugging his lawn mower around and drinking his sweet tea for at least 20 more years.  There is definitely a hole in the family.  As I was planning the funeral, I had many breakdowns because with planning the funeral is the slideshow of his life.  Do you know I couldn't even find 70 photos to fill his slideshow?  I'm pissed at him for never wanting to take pictures.  After all memories and photos are all you have when they leave this earth.  TAKE THE DAMN PICTURES!  As I write this I think "geeze what are people gonna think about me writing this so selfishly", as if I was the only one that lost him.  I know I'm not!  

I stopped blogging because I all of sudden cared what everyone thought about my words, thoughts.  I lost who I was.  I was worried what people were saying about what I was writing...in MY blog... I lost me!  I used to not care, I never thought about what others said about me.  I teach my kids to not care about what others think and here I am...

This took me awhile to write.  I started on March 9th and here we are the end of March and I am not sure I want to even post it.  

We get so busy and caught up in life and lose who we are.  I am a mother first and foremost, a wife, daughter and sister.  But ask me who I am as a person and I can not tell you at all.  Ask me what I like to do and outside of doing family stuff I have no clue!  That's just insane to me.  I don't have personal hobbies, I don't do anything without the kids or my husband.  I used to...I just don't feel like doing much of anything these days.  Then the guilt of "not living" on my days off gets to me.  It's a vicious cycle for sure.  Life is so short, we should live it fully everyday and here I am binge watching netflix on the couch on my days off.  

Life as I know it is just short as hell.....