I stopped blogging for a while...
Man has so much happened since November 8 of last year. I started a new job and that has been tough. I hate being the new person in a position that no one leaves, especially in the medical field. Living in a small town and a small medical community, everyone knows everyone and their business. I don't socialize for just that reason! I struggle daily with this new position but it is quite a difference from doing total joint replacements, cataracts, tonsils and some hernia repairs. I also do not work in a surgical center where all surgeries are elective. I work in a hospital and everything is different. So much to get used to. I'm surviving!
Let me tell you how short life is...
A few days into my new job we lost my father in law. Do you know what it's like to lose an in law that actually loved you? If you know my backstory with in laws then you know what I'm talking about. This loss hit me and it hit me harder than I ever expected it to. I still have a rough time with it. It was hard to be strong for everyone and take care of everything. When it's unexpected, it is definitely a harder loss. I still don't know how to approach the subject with certain people. It is such a hard subject. He has given me little signs he's still around and that seriously is comforting and insane at the same time. You really don't know how much longer you have with someone. We fully expected him to be lugging his lawn mower around and drinking his sweet tea for at least 20 more years. There is definitely a hole in the family. As I was planning the funeral, I had many breakdowns because with planning the funeral is the slideshow of his life. Do you know I couldn't even find 70 photos to fill his slideshow? I'm pissed at him for never wanting to take pictures. After all memories and photos are all you have when they leave this earth. TAKE THE DAMN PICTURES! As I write this I think "geeze what are people gonna think about me writing this so selfishly", as if I was the only one that lost him. I know I'm not!
I stopped blogging because I all of sudden cared what everyone thought about my words, thoughts. I lost who I was. I was worried what people were saying about what I was writing...in MY blog... I lost me! I used to not care, I never thought about what others said about me. I teach my kids to not care about what others think and here I am...
This took me awhile to write. I started on March 9th and here we are the end of March and I am not sure I want to even post it.
We get so busy and caught up in life and lose who we are. I am a mother first and foremost, a wife, daughter and sister. But ask me who I am as a person and I can not tell you at all. Ask me what I like to do and outside of doing family stuff I have no clue! That's just insane to me. I don't have personal hobbies, I don't do anything without the kids or my husband. I used to...I just don't feel like doing much of anything these days. Then the guilt of "not living" on my days off gets to me. It's a vicious cycle for sure. Life is so short, we should live it fully everyday and here I am binge watching netflix on the couch on my days off.
Life as I know it is just short as hell.....
No comments:
Post a Comment