Asparagus, Cupcakes & the H word

life is about balance....right?
      Spinach salads, spaghetti squash, asparagus and CUPCAKES!  It's Monday ..... again.  Every week is the same thing just different stuff.  I love the summers, you know when you don't have stupid time limits, no bed times, no "homework has to be done by this time".  I do however love when the kids go back to school and learn new stuff and fill their little brains with knowledge until it is time for the H word.  I hate that horrible H word, it really sux.  I remember doing homework when I was little, it took maybe an hour then it was play time and supper time. Now the kids are lucky to get a free  hour before it's bedtime.  The kids think of it as a punishment and so do I, punishment for us parents who have no idea what they're teaching now a days.  Soon it goes from our inside voices, nice and friendly  to the outside, across the football field and over the band playing a Friday night game, voices.
  I'm sure I am not the only mom that can't stand having to raise her voice for the sake of getting the kids attention to finish their homework.  If you have more than one kid, in a different grade, doing different homework, the dining room table quickly becomes a referee needed zone.  One is talking because they actually  need help while the other is just whining, mainly because he doesn't want to do his homework (guess you can figure out which kid that is about) at all, but doesn't understand why his ps3 controllers will not be returned.  I sometimes just stand there staring at them thinking what the hell is going on & where are my sweet children?!  On the inside I'm still screaming and then it just makes its way out and I'm raising my voice again while searching for the rum and sprite.  Yes that's right, after a long day at work, coming home to kid homework and cooking dinner while getting the laundry done, worrying about feeding the dog that is still not living with us yet  and the husband is not home, I search for liquid courage to finish out the homework fight.  Then dinner is somehow done (it was just a blur which is not safe now that I think about it), devoured (said cupcakes are devoured as well) and dishes are done (by the oldest child) all while the youngest is still fighting the homework, it's only been 4 hours since he's been out of school for the day.  Once it's done I cave and allow t.v. to be watched so I can gain an hour of mommy time (then I look at the clock and that hour is gone).  I'm not offering any insight into getting the H word done in a timely manner because I'm still waiting on insight for this myself,  I'm just simply relating to other mom's that I know are out there wondering "are there any moms out there with this fight?", yes there are!  I am a mom, yes I signed up for this craziness and no I am not complaining....I love my life and wouldn't change it (well the homework and whining and the constant arguments I can do without those) because this is ..........
 ..............Life as I know it!

I'm in love....again

❤❤❤❤I'm in love again...❤❤❤❤
                with life!
 I'm in love with living, the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair.  💨🌞
 I'm in love with wanting - to do anything, see everything, go anywhere🛩⛵🌍

 There were a few months I didn't care for much of anything but to stay home, in yoga pants and a comfy shirt on the recliner or in bed for hours.  Not because I was physically unable, but because I was emotionally spent.  I'm sure I'm not the only woman to feel this way. It was an equivalent to post partum depression.
I didn't want to leave the comfort of my home, where no one can tell me all of the wrong I do or my way of thinking or acting was wrong.
   where my tears could fall daily and no one cared.  I could sit in silence and do nothing but cry.
I was in a bad place - my mind was not at ease.
 BUT
 Now I'm in love with living again
 I want to do things, I want to get out of bed and move around more than I did or didn't actually.
 I do not cry or feel super sorry for myself.
I am feeling so much better !!
Its all in the drugs.... Not the bad illegal or abusive kind... But the good prescription, chemical altering kind. I never wanted to get back on that kinda med, but I was literally done!  It was bad and I didn't like myself at all. Now I am OK with taking a pill to help me feel better. People think depression is literally just a feeling, that a person chooses to feel that way. I would never WANT to feel like nothing mattered but laying around hating life. I despised feeling that way but no matter what I did, I couldn't shake it.
I love my little family and our little life.
***Not anymore***
Although I am still not 100% happy with my job or career choice, I don't detest it. I don't walk around hating it or wanting to find something else. I do know that I do not want to it forever but for now its OK.
   So thank you lexapro for bringing me back to being in love!

Struggles

It seems now a days all I do is struggle....
  Struggle with myself, leaving my kids, going back to my job, weight, self worth.  I'm a mom and as a mom not being around my kids is absolute agony. I don't even mind when they're driving me bat crazy because those babies are my miracles. I already have anxiety of them being on their own, I stress out all day after I leave them in the morning just terrified something will happen from the time they're dropped off till the time they're back in my care. I know that's just a mom thing but I seriously agonize over it.  They are my miracles and I can't even stand the thought of something happening. It takes a lot of courage for me to not be around them.
   My weight has always been a struggle for me on a daily basis. As an ex anorexic everyday is hard for me. I love food and it is still hard for me to keep it all healthy. I splurge because if I don't I will go insane. I do not look great in my eyes and I guess I never will. It is hard for me to "like what I see".
  My job is a huge stress factor for me. I thought it was my dream but all in all I can't even understand what I was thinking. I am literally depressed knowing that after I'm off medical leave I'm going back to that job. It should be more amazing to me that I'm helping people and even saving their lives, but the people I work with suck and make it way rough to adapt. The schedule is another thing for me that's hard.  I've never worked long ass days or been on call with the idea of actually having to go into work when no one else is there scares me. I can't do this on my own and I will screw up. I can't accept the fact I will mess up always.
  I try to accept me, not easy. I mess up daily, I struggle with everything. I have big dreams that wont come true and others that scare me. I have lost friends and sketchy friendships which makes me doubt me a lot more. I try to just live day by day. I know the only wonderfully great a d amazing thing in my life are my miracle babies! 

Advocare!

My goal in 2016 is to help as many people as I can to get healthy and changing their unhealthy lifestyles!  That is all I want to do and Advocare is going to help this goal come true.  I love Advocare, it has helped me change my health and choices of food.  It has given me more energy and taught me to choose healthier over junk.  Do I still indulge, well yeah sometimes but not so much that it takes over my life.  It will one day give me financial freedom as well! That's my other goal, to quit my job and continue helping people make better choices in their life. 
here's to choosing better:
  https://www.advocare.com/150278293

what have I done?

Have you ever done something with so much passion and umph just to realize that you aren't sure what the hell you're actually doing?  That's where I am right now in my career choice.  I pushed and struggled through a year and a half of school, of missing my kids things and shoving my head so deep in the books that I lost time.  I lost time with my kids.  In the beginning I believed I was doing this for my kids, they are my one and only WHY in this world.  I don't want to be an absent mom, I hate missing anything concerning them.  It's hard for me to miss out on anything with them.  It literally sends me into tears and horrible feelings.  I was proud of myself for graduating college, they were proud of me and that helped me stay focused on getting to that accomplishment.  Then I applied for the job of my then dreams and got it, before I even walked in for the interview I had that job.  When I started that "dream" job is when it all came crashing down around me or actually on top of me.  It knocked me down and I can't get up.  I suddenly hardly knew what I was doing.  I am no longer the student that got help when needed, I am now the employee who would be expected to know it all then and there and that's it!  I quickly lost all the confidence I built up in myself!  It was gone and it hasn't been recovered.  A few months in and I was ready to throw in the towel, I'm still ready.  I am not good at what I do, not mediocre, just plain don't get it.  There is always that one thing you just don't "get" and my job is that one thing that is NOT clicking for me.  How am I supposed to be confident in my job, in myself when nothing clicks!  I keep getting told over and over that one day you'll just "CLICK" and it'll be second nature!  I've been at this job, this once dream for 6 months and all I feel like doing is throwing in the towel, everyday!  I cry daily, sometimes all day (like yesterday), I sat crying being so disappointed in myself for this choice.  I feel pathetic for changing my career path.  I had a job where I could be there for my kids when I needed to be, I could take off when I needed to and it wasn't a month long question.  I've put me in the position of "maybe" i'll be able get off for that trip but maybe not.  I can't take off to be with my kids when they need me for school stuff.  I'm stuck!  The only thing I ever truly wanted to be in this world was a mom that was always there for her kids!  That's it and I have ended up punishing myself and them because I can't be there all of the time anymore.  Every stay at home mom that gets to be there for their kids is lucky in my book!  You don't even know how lucky you are!  This sounds like "poor poor pitiful me, sob story" and maybe it is.  It was my choice and I had so many people backing me on this and now all I feel is that I've let everyone down, including myself and I hate that feeling as well.  To hear that someone is disappointed in me for wanting to get out of this makes me feel worse!  I just want to be happy and as along as I continue to fail at this career choice, then that won't happen.  The hours suck, I don't want to be on call because I can't do this alone and I don't know enough to try to do it on my own.  It's scary to have someone relying on me to help save a life!  I'm not up to this challenge anymore.  I just want to go back to the way it was when I could be there for my kids and live life!  I pray daily for GOD to help me make sense of what I'm doing and I haven't caught the answer yet I guess.  I've lost all confidence in myself in almost everything I do and it sucks.  I'm constantly anxious of the next day, not in the Oh I can't wait kind of anxious, its more of the I don't wanna do this kind of anxious. I'm tired of being scared and hating what I do, but at this point I can't change it due to finances.  I'm stuck, literally.  I know I can't be the only mom that feels like this and wishes she could change everything.  I know life isn't easy and nothing is really, I get that!