Well, it's been 90 plus days since I began my new chapter! I only know that because of an email, I don't do a countdown or anything. I'm gonna be real, when I started my adventure in Labor and Delivery I thought it was gonna be smooth and I would love it right off the bat. Let me tell you that was not the case. Changing jobs can be so daunting, but when it's medicine, surgery to be exact, it changes you as a person. There wasn't a day I wasn't looking for another job, telling myself this one was temporary. It is so rough being the new person, in a new environment, a new specialty with all of these new to you people. Working with surgeons is a rough job in itself, toss in learning a brand new to you specialty puts you over the edge. I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to quit everyday I worked. I cried everyday I worked, I was reluctant to go back when I was off. I just couldn't catch on in this surgery setting. My preceptors were great, so supportive and pushed me because without knowing me, they knew I could do it. Why didn't I know it? Why didn't I have any kind of faith in myself? That stupid voice in my head was winning and I was ready to give up. There were so many things I had to learn and I still haven't learned it all. I probably texted Mark, my mom and sister way too many times throughout the day telling them I couldn't do this. I was failing miserably, at least that's how I felt. They would text me in return, telling me yes I can do it and that I know what I was doing, I just had to have faith in myself. My favorite was when my super supportive hubby would tell me to "man up and do it, you got this". I eventually will feel this super confidence, however in the meantime....
People say "oh you get to see those babies be born, how awesome", let me tell you how stressful it is to be in that delivery knowing that at any minute something could go south. In your mind you're planning on being "ready" for the worst but pray for the best. I cried so many times ( not embarrassed to admit). I let the stress of the newness get to me. When I got off orientation, I went back to my boss and asked to extend orientation, because I was going to get it, I was going to catch on. It helped! A nurse that I really didn't think cared for me too much, told me during a surgery, "I need to tell you something after the case". I immediately thought, "shit what did I do" and I guess she saw that on my face and told me it was nothing bad. After the case she did just that, approached me and said " I just wanted to tell you that I've seen you grow, you seem more at ease in here now and you seem to feel more comfortable". I had an I'm shocked moment and quickly thanked her for noticing, talk about a confidence booster. So thank you again to that nurse, that made a huge difference. It's one thing to hear your boss say that docs have told her I am doing better but to actually hear it from the source is amazing. I have heard it from a couple docs non chalantly, but I didn't feel it. I'm slowly getting that confidence I should. I'm a damn good tech, I just need to find myself in this specialty. It's a huge difference from a 2 hour total joint replacement or a 3 hour nasal endoscopy. A c-section is super quick.
People will try to break you down, that's their plan. Why, because people can be assholes, bottom line. They don't know you and sometimes do not want to even get to know you. Doctors are like this, especially some surgeons, and I totally get it. That patients life is in their hands, that's stressful enough and now they're working with this new assistant they know nothing about. I get it, because I'm in the same boat, trying to learn their moves and techniques, trying to stay one step ahead of them. You see as a surgical assist, you have to be in that surgeons head and think faster and know the next step before they ask for anything. I'm still struggling with this but I'm not giving up either. I'm a damn good surgical tech and I'm not going to let a doctor knock me down anymore. I may never earn their confidence or approval but I'm there for that patient not to please the doc. That's just one doc, there's just that one nurse, that one person that wants to knock you down as a hobby. I do my job and leave it at work as much as I can. Working three days a week is something to get used to but I live for those days I'm off and can see my kids off to school and be home when they get home.
This OR is such a different atmosphere than I am accustomed to.
There is not a day I don't miss my old job. The one where I learned everything I know. The one where all of my skills were challenged daily. I miss doing total knee replacements and total hip replacements. Never thought I would miss Ortho as much as I do. I miss my favorite docs. I saw one of them out and about with his family and he immediately told me to come back... Don't I wish I could! I however do not miss working everyday , long hours everyday. I miss my weekends off and holidays off though. I had to trade alot of stuff for this new job but I'm sure the big guy upstairs has a plan for me and why he lead me to L&D. I pray the plan is shown to me soon, lol.
In the meantime, while I'm trying to figure this plan out, I am just going to keep on learning and trying to get my confidence up. I can tell others to do just this until I'm blue in the face, but it's harder for me to follow my own words. I am sure anyone entering into a new atmosphere is hesitant and terrified, but don't give up, no matter how hard it is, there is a reason you're in that path. Be consistent and persistent. You'll figure it out and laugh at how scared you were in the beginning.
Life as I know it...is full of learning every day because you never know it all
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