Closed a door...

 Today I closed a door, a chapter.  I said good bye to my first medical professional job after 6.5 years.  I pulled my last total knee case, I clocked out for the last time and turned in my badge.  I walked through the door as an employee for the last time.  When I was cleaning out my locker I found my orientation folder, August 2015.  I learned so much from so many people and for that & them, I am grateful.  I made many friends and will forever think about those smart a$$ comments and conversations we shared.  The many late night surgeries, many meals we sat down to.  The " I love you but I do not wanna see you again tonight" ritual sayings before we would leave on call day. So many laughs and tears.  

With all of my health issues going on right now, I felt it best to close this door to give me time to figure some of it out.  I have a few more appointments to tackle and some game plans in store.  I thought I would be stressed to the max over this decision but I was at peace with it.  I'm not saying it's not gonna be tough for the next few weeks with only one income, but I am not worried.  God has lined up so much for us in the past few months that this doesn't seem like a loss to me, it's a gain in the right direction.  

My mental health has been suffering for some time and for once in many years I feel ok for this next step.  The next few weeks I'll focus on me...Me getting better, me getting right with myself and me feeling better for my family.  I am positive that God would not have steered me down this path if he didn't think I could handle it.  It's crazy how things have just fallen into place, how could I not be optimistic!  I prayed hard and every time I did, something would be right there in my face telling me which path to take.  You know that saying "I looked up at God and said I knew that was you, thank you", I have had that realization alot lately.  I just sit back and Thank God for showing me and pushing me to go down each correct path.  I really thought I would be terrified to take this step, but I am not, not at all!  Everything will work out and we are going to be fine.  I am going to be fine!  

I know I may have disappointed some people, but I can't make everyone happy, I'm not a taco! (If we worked together you know this reference).  Some people are put into our lives to help us up, some are put there to break us and show us what we are made of.  I've met both of those in this journey of medicine and this is me doing me now.  I know all jobs have bad seeds and I get that, I do, but there's a cycle that I needed to break and that was thinking I was not good enough for certain people.  So it's on to new people, a new start, a new cycle!  I can't talk about my new start quite yet but believe me when I say dreams come true!  This next chapter has been my dream since I was a little girl and I can not wait for it.  

...one door closed so one could open...

stepping out of my comfort

  So I'm gonna start out this blog by saying I am an introvert. I don't do many things alone and I especially do not go out of town on my own and go explore!  I know, I know, "you're 40 and don't do what?!!"  Yeah that's me, my anxiety is sky high so I would rather stay home and watch Hallmark than leave the house. Today I had a Dr appt in Victoria.... and I went alone! All alone and I am OK!  My mom said she'd go but I never gave her full details.  My husband kept saying he would go with me but I wouldn't let him. He is taking our son out of town for his birthday trip mudding and I wasn't gonna let anything mess it up. So I ventured out alone.  This is big for me in so many ways. I'm sure it's nothing for most, but for me it was a huge leap. Sounds dumb I'm sure 🙄.  After my appt I googled some boutiques and told myself "you're going to check these places out".  So glad I did, they were so cute and I even kept a full ongoing conversation with one of the owners of one. Found out I knew cousins of one of the other owners, she used to live in Corpus and her cousins still do.  When I finally finished my shopping I was famished so I Googled a Cafe.  I got sent to this super adorable little old house turned Cafe, "Yummy Finds".  If you've never been, oh my gosh it's so good. I would usually get a chicken salad on croissant because that's my fave and my norm. Not this time though, I stepped out of my comfort zone and got a Rosemary ham pannini.   It was so good!! I sat and ate lunch by myself. I don't normally do this, I would usually just pick it up and take it home. This time I did not do that, I couldn't it was a little bit of a drive to get home.  

  I know this may sound very miniscule to some, probably to most but for me this was huge.  I do go shopping on my own sometimes don't think I don't, but the thing that was different here is that I was not in town, I was not with someone out of town.  It's ok for you to think what you want but for me I was proud that I could step out of my comfort and do this....alone! 

Stepping out of my comfort 

the aches and pains....

 In the past few years I've developed aches and pains.  Who hasn't right?  It comes with getting old...  I would just shrug them off as just that " getting old", pop a pain pill and go on about my day.  Not the healthiest way about it, but the easiest.

 At the end of August I was at work, doing my thing and I started getting what I thought was just a little hypoglycemic.  I was dizzy, sweaty, pulse racing, nauseous...It wasn't something new for me to get that way early in the morning when I was getting ready for my surgeries for the day. It was early and I didn't eat a whole lot. Then all at once I just about fainted while scrubbed in for a case.  If you know anything about surgery, staying sterile for the patients safety and health is basically the main goal.  If you are about to pass out, while staying sterile you gotta know that's not possible.  My partner for the day came in and relived me so I could address my weakness.  At least that's what I saw it as at the time, a weakness.  I am not the kind that will ask for help right away, I'm gonna do what I can to get the job done first, then maybe ask.  Any who, I got out of the OR and drank some cold water, tried to cool off before I needed to get back at it.  Luckily my partner tech ran that case so I could assist and not be stressed out as much.  I started to panic a little when the feeling of passing out did not go away.  Lunch time came and I took the first lunch so I could get some food in me.  During lunch I was texting my mom and sis about my symptoms and experience that morning.  They both immediately thought I had the C word.  I shook it off as them being super paranoid but then went to my boss and told her about it.  She sent me immediately to my locker and then to be tested.  Which in turn meant I was gonna be out of work until the test came back.

  That started the downward spiral to my health hell !!!!

My test came back negative, as I figured it would.  I took the weekend to try and get better but my body wasn't having it.  I was dizzier than the day it started, more nauseous and my zofran was not helping, headache from it all and a couple more symptoms that I'll spare you the details on.  Nothing I did helped at all.  I called into work Monday morning, which I never did unless it was bad, and this was bad.  I made an appt with my new doctor to get to the bottom of this.  I was miserable all weekend, I tried to do things and it made it worse.  Come Monday, I get the kids lunches ready and went back to bed until I had to get up to go to the doctor.  I had just recently switched doctors and so far so good.

The new doctor I found is amazing!  Deeply cares about his patients and it shows.  So I get to the dr and he suggests some tests and scans.  I have never had a doctor work this fast for me, ever!  That day I had bloodwork ordered and done, A CT scan ordered and done, all in the same day!  I also got doctors orders to not return to work until the test results came back and I was on meds for at least 2 weeks.  I was amazed at how fast this all got going.  The next day we had a diagnosis for part of my problem.  I was diagnosed with Diverticulitis of my transverse colon, Left Inguinal Hernia and Left kidney stones and renal cysts.  Yes folks, nothing small for me!  I go big or don't go at all.  Being a surgical tech (I asssit surgeons in surgery, if you didn't know) I knew what this meant, surgery was in my future, just not sure when.  My dr was sure we could treat the diverticulitis for the time being so we started to do so.  The kidney thing would be watched and the hernia, well that will get fixed some day.  A couple days pass and I am ordered to go get bloodwork done again.  This is when the icing on the cake slipped off, so to speak.  Getting out of my car to go into the lab, my stomach hurt so bad that I tried to overcompensate and drum roll please......hurt my back!  Hurt my back so bad that it just about made me fall down in the parking lot.  My back issues aren't new at all.  I've had back issues for 22 years, but every now and then I do it BIG and this day was the day!  I hobbled into the lab, got the blood drawn again and then made it home.  I landed on the couch for the rest of the day.  Ya'll this one was a bad one.  When it was time for bed, I, in a 90 degree angle, hobbled into my room.  The pain this time was excrutiating.  The next day I made another dr appt in which he got me in stat for an x-ray to see what I had done to my back.  I was then diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease (DDD).  Oh yeah pain forever!  I've been diagnosed with this before in my neck, now it's lower.  I always wondered why my hips were on fire everyday and my toes are numb.  Silly me, the discs in my lower back are just letting my vertebrae pinch the hell out of my nerves is all.  This time it took me out for a good week and a half.  Now before you go and ask or accuse me of not doing anything about the pain, I did.  I saw my chiropractor, started laser light therapy and stretched on the daily, also used a TENS machine a friend lent me.  I also just bought myself more time out of work to get better.  With my job, I am on my feet for many hours a day and being on my feet in the situation I was in did not benefit me at all.  So I went on FMLA and Short Term Disability so I could focus on me.  In the medical field you go so long without taking care of yourself because your job is to take care of your patients.  This was me, I hadn't been to the doctor in a hot minute, so everything caught up to me and God said to Chill and take it easy.  So I did, for 6 weeks, I rested daily.  

When I finally got the all clear to go back, the issues came back.  The stomach pain and back pain hit me hard everyday.  I just took more pain meds and dealt with it, like I had been doing for years.  It was getting to the point that doing my job was not beneficial to anyone.  My doctor cut back my hours at work and I went back on FMLA with less working hours.  which is where I am at right now.  I am dealing with the pain from my health but also dealing with mental depletion from being down and out because of this.  I have appointments lined up to get more testing and figure out my next steps.  The DDD I will have to just live with forever.  I will not have back surgery because it is not beneficial to me.  I am scared how much worse it will get.  I am scared to move certain ways but I can't stop life.

I didn't go into complete detail, but I will say this, Take care of YOU!  No job is worth your health, you are replaceable to them but your body is not replaceable to your family!  If time off is what you have to do to figure it all out, then do it!  My HR lady helped me so much in this area with work, so props to her. Is it scary, hell to yeah it is.  Ask for help (I'm working on this one, it's a hard one for me).  It's been risky financially but what good am I if I'm completely not able to function.  

Mentally it's been the worst! Absolute worst! , The depression sinks in and you don't want to function, 1. for fear of the pain, 2. because no one understands, you feel alone and to blame for all that is going wrong right now, in this moment.   No one understands because I do have a great life, a great husband and fabulous kids!  We have the things and the stuff, but my health is in limbo, my pain tolerance is good on most days, but there are days that I need to just not do ...

 Take care of you because in the end all you have is YOU!

out ...

This girl, right here, went out of her comfort zone. 

 I do not do photos...alone....in public.  People are nosey and watch. 

 They talk about what you're doing.  

I stepped out of my comfort and asked the hubby to take a few photos for my make up business. 

 I want it to work.  I need it to work out.  I need to be successful!

I want to be one of those successful women with the side hustles on social media.  

I love the confidence it gives other women when they use their purchased products. 

 I love hearing how their skin looks younger and feels so much smoother.

Before I started this side business, I used the run of the mill drug store make up and skin care.  I was not big on brand names.  I did what I could to look presentable.  

I never really put a lot of thought into it.  

I bought into this makeup thing to help a friend.  

Not knowing I would fall in love with it.  

Not knowing I would work so hard to make it work for me.  

Not knowing I would work to help other women feel beautiful in their own skin.

Now that I am part of this multi-million dollar industry that relies solely on social media, I put thought into it.  I pray I display my ads for the woman out there that "didn't really put much thought into it".  

We aren't only a makeup and skincare business.  

YOUNIQUE is in the business of saving women from abuse & helping them feel whole again.

The Younique foundation is amazing, it's one of the many reasons I absolutely love our company.

I hope that I can help at least one woman feel more confident.  I hope I can help at least one woman step out of her comfort zone and feel excited about looking good. 

     

        When you look good, you feel better! 

 Let me help you feel beautiful in your own skin!  

This is 4-0

This is Forty.

Have you seen that movie? The one with Leslie Mann and Paul Rudd.  Life at 40 can be a hilarious messy shit show! It's my favorite movie.

Its less than a month from my 40th birthday.  This used to not scare me, why does it now that it's here?  Less than a month to go ...

I used to think I would have all my shit together by the big 4-0.  I most definitely do not feel as though I have my shit together.  I used to dream I'd be this amazing nurse working labor and delivery.  Being talked highly about by all the new moms.  My kids would be the star in their sports and making straight A's.  Never misbehaving, never lazy and always ready to help.  Excelling in 4-H.  My husband would be making good money that I wouldn't have to work every day, just as I needed to.  

Ha, yeah then reality hits you smack in the forehead and life hands you obstacles and changes your dreams.  I am not a nurse.  I am a surgical tech, I like to say "surgical assist" because lets face it, when I say tech, no one knows what the hell you are talking about.  So to dumb it down, I assist in surgery. Yes I pass the instruments used for each part of the case.  I always get the "Oh wow that sounds fun", it is, don't get me wrong.  I like helping patients, but if I could just choose the co-workers... I can guarantee I am not talked that highly about in the workplace (well because that's life I suppose).  You can't please everyone, ever.  Not everyone will like you and that's been a hard fact to learn since being in the medical field.  I'm just leaving it at that.

My kids are amazing. I got super lucky in that department.  Thankful for the blessing God bestowed on me to be their mom.

My husband makes great money and we have what we have because he works hard for us.  I have to work all the crazy hours so that we have the extra money to spend. BUT, it's our life.

40 huh, this body is definitely not feeling young anymore.  Hangovers are a 2 day thing, almost not even worth a drink.  My back has seen better days.  It has so graciously bought me several weeks off of work....with no pay.  Ive been working on short term disability, but that's a slow process.  What have I been doing on my days off....nothing.  It hurts to do....  Other health issues just pop up.  Everything creeks and cracks and pops, that's just to stand up.  

 I do not have my shit together and tomorrow isn't looking good either....