what have I done?

Have you ever done something with so much passion and umph just to realize that you aren't sure what the hell you're actually doing?  That's where I am right now in my career choice.  I pushed and struggled through a year and a half of school, of missing my kids things and shoving my head so deep in the books that I lost time.  I lost time with my kids.  In the beginning I believed I was doing this for my kids, they are my one and only WHY in this world.  I don't want to be an absent mom, I hate missing anything concerning them.  It's hard for me to miss out on anything with them.  It literally sends me into tears and horrible feelings.  I was proud of myself for graduating college, they were proud of me and that helped me stay focused on getting to that accomplishment.  Then I applied for the job of my then dreams and got it, before I even walked in for the interview I had that job.  When I started that "dream" job is when it all came crashing down around me or actually on top of me.  It knocked me down and I can't get up.  I suddenly hardly knew what I was doing.  I am no longer the student that got help when needed, I am now the employee who would be expected to know it all then and there and that's it!  I quickly lost all the confidence I built up in myself!  It was gone and it hasn't been recovered.  A few months in and I was ready to throw in the towel, I'm still ready.  I am not good at what I do, not mediocre, just plain don't get it.  There is always that one thing you just don't "get" and my job is that one thing that is NOT clicking for me.  How am I supposed to be confident in my job, in myself when nothing clicks!  I keep getting told over and over that one day you'll just "CLICK" and it'll be second nature!  I've been at this job, this once dream for 6 months and all I feel like doing is throwing in the towel, everyday!  I cry daily, sometimes all day (like yesterday), I sat crying being so disappointed in myself for this choice.  I feel pathetic for changing my career path.  I had a job where I could be there for my kids when I needed to be, I could take off when I needed to and it wasn't a month long question.  I've put me in the position of "maybe" i'll be able get off for that trip but maybe not.  I can't take off to be with my kids when they need me for school stuff.  I'm stuck!  The only thing I ever truly wanted to be in this world was a mom that was always there for her kids!  That's it and I have ended up punishing myself and them because I can't be there all of the time anymore.  Every stay at home mom that gets to be there for their kids is lucky in my book!  You don't even know how lucky you are!  This sounds like "poor poor pitiful me, sob story" and maybe it is.  It was my choice and I had so many people backing me on this and now all I feel is that I've let everyone down, including myself and I hate that feeling as well.  To hear that someone is disappointed in me for wanting to get out of this makes me feel worse!  I just want to be happy and as along as I continue to fail at this career choice, then that won't happen.  The hours suck, I don't want to be on call because I can't do this alone and I don't know enough to try to do it on my own.  It's scary to have someone relying on me to help save a life!  I'm not up to this challenge anymore.  I just want to go back to the way it was when I could be there for my kids and live life!  I pray daily for GOD to help me make sense of what I'm doing and I haven't caught the answer yet I guess.  I've lost all confidence in myself in almost everything I do and it sucks.  I'm constantly anxious of the next day, not in the Oh I can't wait kind of anxious, its more of the I don't wanna do this kind of anxious. I'm tired of being scared and hating what I do, but at this point I can't change it due to finances.  I'm stuck, literally.  I know I can't be the only mom that feels like this and wishes she could change everything.  I know life isn't easy and nothing is really, I get that!